Maternity clothing

Maternity clothing is easily the thing I hate most about pregnancy.

Morning sickness? Not bad: I spend eight weeks uneasy-queasy. Aches and pains? Eh. I deal with them. Total exhaustion? Chasing after three kids, I’m used to that. Unmentionable TMI symptoms: really not that bad. Labor? Two of my labors have been terrific, one I’d almost call painless. But maternity clothing? I hate it.

(Keeping in mind that if this is the worst thing I can say about pregnancy, I’m very blessed.)

1) Horizontal stripes. Who on God’s green Earth thought that was a good idea?

2) mid-thigh length dresses. I’m not talking about tunic-style tops. I’m talking about actual dresses that are mid-thigh length–entire stores of this length of dress. When I got pregnant with Kiddo#1, this was not the fashion for the real world, but it was for maternity. Who seriously believed I would want to gain 35 pounds and THEN show off my legs? Ugh.

3) the brand names. One of the first maternity tops I received was a beautiful blue floral print with the brand name “Capacity.”

Whenever I see that, my next thought is, “Tonnage.” And from there, my irreverent mind goes to “Displacement” and “Wide Load.” That’s not bolstering my self-image or giving me the fantasy of a “cute pregnant tummy.”

This pregnancy, I have a bunch of discards from a friend, and there are new awful brand names. The worst? “My Choice.” I don’t even want to go there. Just…don’t.

4) They have legs. Because they’re short-lived garments, maternity clothes get loaned out. I’ve sent mine to two friends, and now my two most useful pieces are gone. GAWN! I didn’t realize until yesterday. I’m missing a black skirt and a black jumper, both of which had that “cute pregnant tummy” look rather than “Dear Heaven, she’s a barge.”

5) I need to get in them earlier every time. I’m at 19 weeks now, and there’s really no staying in the “fat clothes” any longer. It stinks–how can I have gained only five pounds and gone up three sizes? But there you have it.

6) They come in two styles: cute and tailored that don’t fit past seven months, and The Shapeless Tent. The Shapeless Tent look is why so many pregnant women look exhausted in the ninth month–our clothes droop, and it makes the rest of us look droopy too.

The other two options aren’t any good (no clothes–too cold; going around wrapped in a blanket–too tough to drive in) and I don’t like the one option I do have.

Help me out here: please leave a comment telling me what you DO like about maternity clothes, or maybe give me more reasons to hate it. Thanks!