worried about the baby

Having lost one baby, I’m perpetually worried about my current baby. Kiddo#4 checks out fine in every way possible and is even measuring a bit ahead. But that’s logic, and I’m not logical all the time. Let’s just take a look in my contorted brain for a bit:

“Aaaagh! Baby isn’t moving enough!”
Fairly typical, right? Sick babies don’t move as much, which is why kick-counts are used. A trend of diminishing movement generally indicates distress, and you need to get the baby out.

“Aaaagh! Baby is moving too much!”
This generally follows the above by about five minutes. Babies who are completely entangled in the cord (as Kiddo#3 was) tend to thrash in order to free themselves. It’s good to be aware of things like that. But not like this.

On a good night, I can alternate between the two several times in fifteen minutes. Fortunately, pregnancy leaves me exhausted, so I don’t often stay awake for fifteen minutes at a shot. Ah, but then there’s this one:

“Aaaaagh! I haven’t felt the baby move in five hours!”
This would be a cause for concern if I hadn’t been sleeping all five of those hours. No, really. I did actually think this before I brought myself to my senses.

“These movements are disorganized!”
I honestly cannot remember how the other Kiddos moved, but this baby’s movements feel more jerky and disorganized. I have no idea if this is realistic or not. I suspect I’m just stretchier this time around and I feel the movements better.

(I know I felt Kiddo#3 in what seemed to be a seizure. They did scan him after that, and he was fine, but I wonder if he just got too tangled in the cord at that point, given how tied-up he was at birth.)

“Am I carrying smaller than yesterday?”/”Oh, man, I’m HUGE!”
When I can get these thoughts alternating in my head, it’s just a gorgeous mental landscape. I try not to look in mirrors much these days.

Fortunately, this nonsense isn’t continuous. It’s generally late night thoughts with little jabs of worry interspersed during the day. I know it won’t even end with the birth, to tell you the truth. But one day, a year or two from now, I’ll look up and realize I haven’t panicked about Kiddo#4 in months, and it will be a good thing.

I want my innocence back. I want to be naive again.