Junk mail and want ads for angels

I’ve begun putting some of my Wittenburg Door pieces online over at my other website, since I have reprint rights. While I was going through my files, I found two that never went anywhere.

The first is a little bit of junk mail received by Saint Michael the Archangel.

The second is a group of want-ads that I never finished, and since the Door is now on indefinite hiatus, never will be since no one else prints their gonzo-type humor (which was, alas, perfect for me.) So I’ll put a few of the sillier ones below, and if you want to post your own want ads, go ahead and do it in the comment box.

Have fun!

WANTED: Twelve men to study under itinerant preacher. Fishermen preferred. Financial experience not necessary but a plus. Excellent health benefits. Loaves and fish provided. Email fishersofmen@heavenlyhost.el.

WANTED: Married male to become father of nation. Must be willing to travel. Age not a factor. Email promisedland@heavenlyhost.el

WANTED: approximately four billion angels for service of indeterminate time period. Must have experience in psychology, theology, biology, nutrition, and human behavior management. Battle experience a must. On-the-job training provided. Email guardians@heavenlyhost.el

LOST: Two unicorns, one male and one female. Reward offered. Email Noah@heavenlyhost.el.


  1. WLT

    I’ve been reading here for a while, but I don’t think I’ve posted yet. These ads made me laugh out loud. Don’t have any of my own (my brain is not wired to create this type of stuff, only to appreciate it), but I will check back later to see what others come up with.

    1. philangelus

      Welcome! WordPress seems to think this is your first time commenting too. Glad you enjoyed them, and thanks for introducing yourself. 🙂

      1. WLT

        It’s nice to be here. I had been enjoying your writing and insight over at EHell for a few years, and followed you here. Between your musings on faith and those on motherhood, I find we have much in common. I won’t ever be a fiction writer, but I do read voraciously (well, in between diaper changes, preschool games, bus stop runs, and homework), and finding out more about the writing process is fascinating.


  2. Blue

    Female subject wanted to try out new birthing technique. Some late hours and travel involved. Individuals with allergies to animals or hay need not apply. Email resumes to holy.birth.planning.comittee@heavenlyhost.el

    Three males wanted for travel opportunity. Leadership qualities a must. Knowledge of stars preferred, but will train. Individuals with allergies to animals or hay need not apply. Email resumes to holy.birth.planning.committee@heavenlyhost.el

    Individuals wanted for short travel venture. Herding experience required – preference given to persons with valid shepherds license. Musical appreciation a plus. Individuals with allergies to animals or hay need their heads examined. Why are you a shepherd?? Email resumes to holy.birth.planning.comittee@heavenlyhost.el

    1. philangelus

      Awe. Some! Thanks! 🙂

    2. WLT

      Very fun. Do you guys just have ideas in your heads all the time? I’d have to work for three or four days to come up with stuff like this.