I haven’t been blogging regularly for a number of reasons I hope to talk about soon, but right now I need to laugh instead. So let’s play a guessing game.
I live in the middle of nowhere (“Angelborough” is a Native American word meaning “It’s about ten miles away”) and every morning I’ve been driving one of my kids to day camp in TenMilesAway. En route we pass a house for sale. It has been for sale for the past two years, and I believe it may have been listed prior to that as well.
The house is tiny, almost entirely swallowed up by the woods at the end of a dirt driveway. When the for-sale sign reappeared this week, I looked it up on the real estate website, and I found something like this:
Price reduced! $95,000! Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, on three acres. Wooded lot. Ideal location.
The “ideal location” part seems true. It’s about five minutes away from Main Street in TenMilesAway, and it’s at the juncture of two main roads.
It’s been listed for almost two years, according to the website. In a neighborhood where houses can reach seven figures. Why wouldn’t someone have bought it, knocked it down, regraded the lot, and built something new?
My mom said, “Is the property underwater?” I said, “Well, it does often seem to be surrounded by puddles, and it’s at the bottom of a mountain.”
But that’s too prosaic, so let’s amuse ourselves: why is that house not selling? What is the realtor disclosing prior to making an offer that deters anyone from actually buying it?
Guess Number One: The last three owners saw a headless woman walking down the hall, carrying a headless baby.
Guess Number Two: When someone says, “I’ve decided to make an offer,” his own realtor says, “I just want you to know this is the fifth time I’ve sold that house, and every year, the new owner dies on July 5th at midnight. Even the guy who was out of the country.”
Post your own guesses. I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use a few laughs.
…and then the real estate agent said, “Mea Culpe. Did I forget to mention that this is the only spot in the world where seven geological fault lines come together?”
My fault, my fault, my most grievous fault?
Your guesses are imaginative enough for all of us. Likely the truth is something mundane like the substructure is ruined from standing water that pools around the house and it needs a new foundation.
That said, I like the idea of a haunting much better!
For the amount they’re undercharging for that property, though, it’s almost got to be something like the well is contaminated or there’s toxic waste buried in the back of the property. Considering what neighboring properties go for in that area, it would make sense to buy the property, destroy the existing house and foundation, and rebuild elsewhere on the same land.
Realtor: I am required by law to inform you that the property sits on a pan-dimensional nexus and that there have been alleged reports of non-terrestrial entities in the woods.
Buyer: Urm, thanks. Maybe we should look at the house in “5-miles-away” instead. (Unless their name happens to be Sam or Dean Winchester.)
Oh! I like it!
Obviously the house is sits on a Hellmouth. Or possibly a Rift, depending on whether you like your interdimensional visitations demonic or merely extra terrestrial.
Potential Buyer: I’m really liking this property! I may bulldoze the house, but this is a terrific location, and you can’t beat the price!
Realtor: Well, here’s the second bedroom.
Potential Buyer: And this door leads to a closet?
Realtor: Wait, I wouldn’t —
FWOOMPH!
Realtor: Blast. I’ll never get this commission!
Kate beat me to my answer.
GMTA!
Wormhole to the Delta Quadrant?
Or Hellmouth.
Wardrobe to Narnia?
Yeah…. I think I’m sticking with “wormhole to the Delta Quadrant”.
Live long and prosper.
Suluh out.
What are the real estate taxes in the Delta Quadrant, and do you have to pay in both locations?
I would pay *extra* for a narnia wardrobe.
Depends on which book we’d go into. 🙂
Nina, what if the Hellmouth and the Delta Quadrant both open into the same space? Then you’d have demons battling aliens in the back yard. (Then all we’d need are some cowboys.)
I’d set up lawn chairs, charge admission and sell popcorn. They’re just not imaginative enough about the possibilities.
Real Estate broker: “I’m required to tell you that this house is infested by Smurfs and the last three owners developed diabetes as well as a bad case of the blues”.
Potential buyer: “Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Hah! I guess that’s why they call it the blues.
Someone from Twitter gave me this link to a house that’s always full of snakes!
http://abcnews.go.com/US/snake-house-family-home-idaho-turns-satans-lair/story?id=13851600
(Don’t click if you have an aversion to pictures of snakes, snakes, and more snakes.)
It is obviously the former headquarters of a third political party, now defunct. But the stream of death threats, hate mail and drive by shootings have still not let up.
Maybe the third party headquarters was next door, but the political activists all have bad aim, so occasionally Old Lady McGillicuddy the previous owner would be watching reruns of Bonanza and get a brick thrown through her window.
I’ts built over the graveyard of some early settlers who were buried in an unmarked indian burial ground, and the ghosts now haunt in shifts. And cover for each other on holidays.
I met a woman around here recently who asked if I’d ever gone into “the culvert,” which it turns out is down my street and in the Creepy Zone, and she said you can feel the ghosts of the settlers there, and they don’t like technology. But apparently not the native americans. They don’t mind us so much. 🙂
Is it possibly in a location that is due for major overhaul? Right in the path of the new highway to be built or something?
It could be, but I don’t think it’s likely. It’s on the intersection of a regular street and a state route that *does* get backed up every day at rush hour. I’d like them to widen the road, but they’re probably not going to.
Realtor: It’s easy to bring in the bottled water that you need. The last owner had a contract with the distributor…and keep your mouth closed in the shower. Don’t even think of using the well water, except to flush and bathe…And radon is highly overrated as a health threat
ROTFLOL! You should write up that time you visited the house with the hooks. You could be my guest-blogger for a day.
Catching up on former posts after teacher inservice week… Whew, this was a fun start to the week.