This appeared in the May/June 2006 issue of The Wittenburg Door (http://www.thedoormagazine.com). Ivy Reisner and I had an absolute blast writing it, and we were both thrilled when The Door snapped it up. She and I also co-wrote “Useless Conference Calls,” the sequel to Ivy’s solo-written “Useless Meetings.” You may already know her from The Writing Cast or Knitspirit podcasts, and of course she’s a regular commenter in the combox.
Tomorrow we’re going to have Ivy back on the blog, so enjoy this for now, and be sure to come back tomorrow for the rest of the fun.
NEW FLAW FOUND IN HUMAN OPERATING SYSTEM 2.0
By Jane Lebak and Ivy Reisner
Human Security Advisory 4/1/06
Vulnerability In Logic Components Could Result In Sin Execution
The Heavenly Host Corporation has become aware of malicious attacks on its customers involving a previously unknown security vulnerability in the Logic code area in the Human Operating System platform.
Upon learning of the attacks, the Heavenly Host mobilized under its Software Security Incident Neutralization process (SSIN) to analyze the attack, define an engineering plan, and determine the appropriate guidance for customers.
Human Security Advisory–GODHOOD.H02
Date Discovered: 4/1/06
Distribution: via email
Subject of email: Claim Your Prize: GODHOOD!
Name of attachment: ForbiddenFruit.swf
Number of infections: 6.2 billion
Threat Containment: Difficult
Type of Infection: Worm
GODHOOD.H02 exploits a newly uncovered security flaw in the Logic Processing Engine of the Human 2.0 OS. The vulnerability prevents humans from realizing God’s will may not always be the easiest or most attractive course of action available.
Once executed, ForbiddenFruit.swf forwards copies of itself to everyone in the user’s address book. It will also attempt to propagate itself via instant message, television, radio, literature, conversations, and movies. It creates the following files in the System32 folder:
gluttony.exe and gluttony2.exe
When all seven have executed, they send a signal to trigger eternal-fire.exe, which damages the hard drive beyond the point of recovery.
ForbiddenFruit.swf also creates the following registry entries:
HKEY_LOCAL_– USERBibleStudyTime 0.0
HKEY_LOCAL_– USERCharity 0.0
HKEY_LOCAL_– USERLoveThyNeighbor OFF
Finally, it opens port 666, allowing an attacker to take local administrator rights over the affected Human.
Anyone running Human 2.0 is encouraged to run a full system search for these files and delete them all using the confession.exe utility. Once that is done, the user should immediately update virus definitions and download the Jesus patch from the Heavenly Host Corporation website (http://www.HeavenlyHost.el). Consumers should be certain to turn on the Grace and PrayWithoutCeasing services to prevent further infection.
This vulnerability will be completely repaired in the next version of the Human operating system, “Resurrection.”
Human and Heavenly Host are trademarked properties of GOD, Inc. and are used only with permission. GOD is based in Heaven.
I was hoping that http://www.HeavenlyHost.el would take me to a supporting website talking about the Jesus patch. 🙂
Didn’t have my coffee yet, but what does el stand for in the URL?
“el” would be short for Elohim. 🙂 It’s also the source for all those “-el” names the angels have (Gabriel, Michael, Raphael, etciel.)