pregnancy fashion emergency help needed

I have a fashion problem. We have tickets to tonight’s Angeltown Symphony Orchestra performance, and all my dresses make me look 36 weeks pregnant.

Actually, it’s far worse than that. They simply don’t fit. After four full-term pregnancies, my body feels entitled to completely explode on me in the fifth, so the dresses fit like sheathe dresses, and even the stuff that looks okay from the front will make lighthouses blow fog horns if I’m seen from the side.

After trying on — literally — every single article of maternity clothing in the house, I’ve come to the following conclusion: I am not going to look good. I might avoid snickering, but there will be looks of pity in my wake.

I could dress in my “church clothes” (I have precisely one dress which fits for church) but I really wanted something a little bit special and different. (I would normally dress way up, like I would for a wedding.) Besides, whatever I wear tonight for the concert will be the same thing I wear for Easter. Plus, the concert hall is always grossly hot.

I’ve been at this for an hour. The concert is in ten more, and I don’t think the Clothing Fairies are about to appear with their magic needles.

With this in mind, I have an etiquette question. Sometimes, in some circumstances, the rules of etiquette are relaxed for pregnant women. Now, I know it’s absolutely rude to wear jeans to the symphony, so I’d never do that. But in this case, just once, would it be all right if I went completely in the buff?


  1. Adrienne

    By all means wear the jeans with high heels (fancy gold if you have them). Pile on a bunch of sparkly jewelry and you will look tres chic!

  2. Adrienne

    ….and gosh – don’t forget your top. Plain black with a little sweater or shawl would be nice.

  3. karen =^.,.^=

    demi moore did completely nude and pregnant on vanity fair (i think) to great reviews, as have christina aguilara (sp) and the highly esteemed (choke) britney spears. i’m sure going to the local symphony sans clothes would be just fine.

    but you know, if you have some spray on paint, you could alway just spray on a dress or a tux or something for the night. make sure it won’t run should you perspire in the hot auditorium though.

    just some thoughts. had three pregnancies and fought my body and clothes through all of them!!! men have not a clue.

  4. philangelus

    Karen, I like the spray paint idea, but we were fresh out of spray paint. BTW, what colors are best for an evening affair? Metallic blue? Cranberry?

    Adrienne, in the end, I couldn’t justify wearing the jeans. I did find a tank-sleeve dress that made it on and put a light short sleeve blouse over it, then took a pashmina wrap in case it was cold. It wasn’t (it was roasting in the audience!) and I probably looked like a butternut squash wearing a blue dress, but at least I was clothed.

    If I tried to wear high heels at this point, I’d break my neck. 🙂 In addition to having no fashion sense, I also have no balance and the pregnancy klutzies have really taken ahold. Sad, really.

    But hey, the music was terrific. It was a nice “final outing” before we can’t go out again with grown-ups for a year or so.


  5. CricketB

    And what, please tell, is wrong with looking 36 weeks pregnant when one is, in fact, 36 weeks pregnant? What were the other women wearing? It’s gotten a lot more informal than when I was a kid.

  6. philangelus

    I just don’t LIKE looking like a sock with an egg stuffed in it, that’s all. And I’d kind of like my clothes to fit.

    The other women were divided in what they wore. Under 18 and they wore their very nicest jeans and sweat-shirts. Over 25 and they wore mid-calf length skirts and dresses about the same grade as you’d find at a wedding, with some exceptions. That middle area was mixed.