I picked up some clearance yarn a few weeks ago, and I’ve discovered I can’t knit with it.
Not because of the yarn, but because I decided to knit this for me. This would be the first time I set out to knit something for myself, and I’m having issues. Prior to now, everything I’ve made has been for someone else.
In all fairness, this too started out as a “for charity” scarf, but I decided pretty quickly that the poor wouldn’t want it, so I’d just use it myself. It’s a garter stitch scarf with a chunky colorful mohair yarn, and I think the yarn is pretty. It knits really fast, too.
Once I decided this was mine, I stopped flying along. I’m stuck halfway through this scarf and it ain’t moving.
About a year ago, someone saw me knitting and told me she knits too. We chatted, and when I mentioned it was for a charity, she said, “Don’t you find it’s hard to give them away? That you just fall in love with them and want to keep them?”
Heck no. I want them to go take care of someone else. I pray while I knit: specifically, I pray for the person who’s going to get the scarf / baby blanket / hat. If it’s for me, I have to pray for mercy on the whole world, and it feels so generic. I’ll have to find a better way to do this: I’m making the scarf for me and praying for Elise from the parenting group. Something like that. (Actually, without giving details, if you need someone to pray for, Elise from the parenting group is about as good a cause as I can think of.)
My goal in knitting is to make the yarn go away and never see it again. That’s why I loved sending things to the Dulaan Project. And in Angeltown, I’d give things to the soup kitchen but be worried that I might see them again: the city had only 80,000 people, so it was possible.
But Angelborough has less than a tenth that many! And my scarves are distinctive. The last one I finished was a kid’s scarf, and I’m going to be seeing a lot of kids through the schools.
I don’t want to know who was in such need that something I made helped her. I just don’t. I want to send that scarf flying off into the world to warm someone and bless someone and never know about it again.
But this one is for me, unless it looks substantially better when it’s done, and I keep getting a mental block.
I need to finish so I can make something for someone else, clearly, or finish my WIP scarf that will be beaded and go with a hat, if only I can finish that.
And in the meantime, I’m confused as to why I can’t knit for me.