If you were a fly on my wall

Kiddo#2: See, it’s on a hook?
Kiddo#1: Why do we have a white hook in brown wood?
Me: That’s how they did it in House Beautiful.
Patient Husband, choking on his coffee: They do not!
Me: Well, House Beautiful’s been around for like a hundred years. I’m sure once in their history they did that.
Kiddo#2: What’s House Beautiful?
Me: It’s a magazine for people who care what their house looks like.
Kiddo#2, laughing: Well I don’t care!
Me: And that’s why we don’t get that magazine.

Me: I’m done making the pizza dough.
Kiddo#3: What are we having for dinner?
Me: Lasagna.
Kiddo#3: Really?
My Patient Husband: {patient look}
Me: Really.
Kiddo#2: Then what’s the dough for?
Patient Husband: We’re having pizza.
Me: Stuffed crust pizza.
Patient Husband: Stuffed with a lasagna?

Kiddo#2, to Kiddo#3: This afternoon, after I come home from school, and after I finish my homework, I’ll teach you to fly.
Me: What?!
Kiddo#2: Don’t worry! I’ll do it outside!
Kiddo#3: Outside?
Kiddo#2: Yeah, on the grass. So you don’t get hurt.
Me: {whimpers}

(But note the practicality: she’ll teach him to fly, but AFTER she’s done her homework. And she’ll do it outside so he doesn’t get hurt. She’s considered all my possible reasons to object and come up with a positive solution.)

Kiddo#1: The bus driver says I’m not allowed to talk about pi anymore.
Me: Were you talking to her about pi a lot?
Kiddo#1: Maybe.
Me: And last month, she told you not to talk about New Hampshire any longer.
Kiddo#1: Yeah.
Me: So what you need to do is tell her that the 4,300,000th digit of pi was discovered by a guy from New Hampshire.
Kiddo#1: I don’t even know if that’s true!

Humor is wasted on the young.

Kiddo#2: Can you call a cell phone from a real phone?

It’s actually not a bad question when you think about it.

Here, let me close with a story from looooong ago. Well, four years ago. We had driven to New York City, and we were taking a day-trip out to Long Island to visit some relatives. Trying to plan our route, I turned on the news radio for the traffic update.

Kiddo#1 said, with a little fear, “But that’s not going to work! The radio won’t tell us the traffic in New York!”

My Patient Husband said, “The radio will get the New York stations.”

No response for a moment, and then an awed pronouncement from Kiddo#1: “Wow. That’s– like magic!”

Very cool. He’d never figured out how the radio worked before then!


  1. Ivy

    Wait, you have someone associated with the education system telling a student not to discuss a mathematical phenomenon?

  2. philangelus

    It’s the bus driver. She probably heard alllllllll about pi quite a bit already.

    Since she’s previously told him not to talk to her about other subjects, I strongly suspect he’s going on and on and on with her a little too much, and she would rather just be driving the bus. 🙂

  3. Ivy

    Has he read “Joy of Pi” yet?

  4. blueraindrop

    you need to stock him up with tons of information about pie… technically different than pi but close enough to have an extra added bonus annoyance level.

  5. Cricket

    Looks like Kiddo#2 has been exposed to CBS(tm).

    My English-teacher uncle brings pies to staff socials. “See, pi aren’t square, pie are round.”

  6. Amy

    These are pretty funny. I liked the *teaching to fly* story myself — I tried this once, and ended with an egg on my forehead that didn’t go away for a month.