Ah, er, I mean–

Kiddo#1 said to me, smirking, “If you get in trouble at school, do you think they’d send you to the principal’s office, or to the gym teacher’s office?”

Not being quite as dumb as a potato, I remember being introduced to the gym teacher when I registered my son for middle school. The gym teacher is also the vice principal.

So I replied, “Obviously they’d send you to the gym teacher because he has both the authority and the mojo to kick your butt.”

Son was disappointed that he hadn’t caught me out. I said to him, “How many times have you been sent to his office?”

“None!” He looked offended, but a little cagey.

“So he came to your classroom?”

“No!” By now he looked really worried. “If I’d gotten in trouble, you’d have heard about it because Mrs. Smith would have — er, I mean, one of the teachers would have emailed you.”

My Patient Husband said, “Oh, okay. Now we know that whatever you did, you did it in Mrs. Smith’s class.”

The thing is, I’m pretty sure the kid didn’t actually get in trouble. He’s never gotten in trouble at school, no matter how many meltdowns he was having at home, not even when for three days in a row I considered phoning the police. He held it together fine at school and that was that. He’ll break every rule in the house but at school he’s always on the right side of the line.

But by this point, I was having fun, and I said, “You keep digging the grave a little deeper here. Why don’t you just tell us what you did?”

And then to my surprise, he answered, but it was this strange story about how there’s a third teacher who has an office near Mr. Gym Teacher and Mr. School Counselor, and the third teacher was supposedly very mean but my son since then found out he doesn’t actually eat the heads and hearts of bad students. In fact, my son offered him a cookie one day, and the gentleman accepted it.

The result is, now I’m totally confused. But until I get an email from Mrs. Smith, I have no proof that anything actually went wrong at school, and no understanding whatsoever about why that third gentleman was involved in the tale at all.

But still, even this Alice In Wonderland recitation is better than what happens with the other two:

Me: What did you do at school today?
Kiddo#2: Nothing.
Me: Nothing at all? You sat and stared into space while your teacher gave herself a manicure?
Kiddo#2: No.
Me: *Sigh.*


  1. blueraindrop

    did the cookie he offered previously belong to mrs smith? best i can connect… lol

  2. philangelus

    The cookies are actually another story in and of themselves. But they were initially his.

    I’ll tell that story on Friday, okay?

  3. Cricket

    Do you know who the third teacher is?

    In our school, they make the office a friendly place. Kids who are prone to acting out get free passes to go to the office before they actually act out. That’s not to say it can’t be unfriendly if you’ve earned it, but they try to keep it a nice place.

    In Lorna Doone, John’s father would repeat at home any punishment given at school, no questions asked (or explanations allowed).

    Sounds to me like they feel they dealt with the situation within the school. I’m fine with that — usually they know the big picture better than I do. But now I’m curious!