In which I reveal a Great Theological Truth(tm)

After careful observation of the four Philangelus children, I’ve reached a conclusion: Jesus must have been fully divine.

Bear with me on this. All four Gospel accounts talk about Jesus multiplying bread to feed thousands of people. And the Gospel of John talks about Jesus turning water into wine.

(Funny story: we ended up with a set of thirty-six wine glasses for $10 from an estate sale back when my Patient Husband and I got engaged. It made sense at the time: service for twelve of white, red and champagne glasses. Shortly afterward we realized how stupid that was, since these things take up an unheavenly amount of space. I boxed them up and sent them to the attic with the label “Wine Glasses: Enough for Feast At Cana.” My children will discover that box long after I’m dead and have a good laugh, and then — I hope — estate sale them again.)

I’ve been a mom for coming-on twelve years now, and so I’ll say as an Expert Authority that if my kids had the power to multiply food, they wouldn’t be multiplying loaves and fishes. Just trust me on this.

I’d open the door to Kiddo#2’s room and find her standing there, hands behind her back, looking really guilty as she hoped I wouldn’t notice the six-foot pile of chewing gum behind her.

“Um…” I’d begin, and she’d say, “Mrs. P gave me a piece of gum because I finished my reading assignment so fast, and I thanked God for it and then broke it to share it with Alyssa, and then I gave a piece to Claudia, and then Sharon wanted a piece, and then — ”

And lo, those found chewing gum that day at Angelborough School were numbered five thousand, not counting administrators and teachers. The mighty grum-grum-grum of many jaws masticating shook the earth, and the cracking of the bubbles reached even unto Heaven. And the teachers came unto the students and made them spit it out, and the spit-out gum filled twelve trash baskets right to the brim.

This is why I know Jesus had to have been fully divine. Take all your well-reasoned theological arguments and toss them aside. The fact is, the Earth was not covered in Twinkies two thousand years ago, and therefore, Jesus had to have had a divine ability to resist temptation.


  1. Ivy

    To be fair he was an adult by that point. The gospels don’t account much of his childhood. Could you picture it?

    Mary: What is that?
    Jesus: Cotton candy.
    Mary: You’re eating dyed cotton?
    Jesus: Nope. It’s a confection that hasn’t been invented yet. Want some?
    Mary (stares now at two cones): No, thank you. And what are those?
    Jesus: S’Mores. Want to know why they call them s’mores?
    Mary: I…don’t think I should ask.

  2. philangelus

    Or if he could reverse it?

    Mary: Did you eat your lentils?
    Jesus: There aren’t any more on my plate.
    Mary: But did you *eat* them or just turn them all into five lentils?

    And Jesus did not answer.

    Mary: Put them back.
    Jesus: Yes, Mom. {As a pile of lentils reappear on the plate.}

  3. Deb

    Too true. It’s a good thing Princess isn’t divine. We’d have cheese everywhere.

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