Just put it on my tab {sigh}

I’ve already said on here that I don’t think May 21st is going to be the Rapture. In fact, I don’t believe there will be a Rapture at all. Therefore let’s assume Saturday comes and I get Raptured. That’s pretty much the way my life goes. About a week later, my name gets called on the divine judgment docket, and I step into the chamber with my angelic legal defense.

Jesus: I’m looking over the records, and it appears you’re not making it into Heaven after all.

Me: What? But…I got raptured! I even got rapture pre-certified!

Jesus: It appears you owe the Angelborough Public Library $163.24.

Me: I do not!

Jesus: I’m seeing you still had eight library books and four videos in your house at the moment your family got taken, and, well, fines accrue. Then in the resulting cataclysm, your home got destroyed, so you owe the replacement value.

Me: But–

Angelic Defender: I believe you had a little voice in your head telling you not to borrow books from the library so close to the Earth’s due date. In fact, you even posted a blog about it on May 19th.

Me: ::brain boggles::

Jesus: Did you make arrangements with one of your neighbors to return your library books if you got raptured?

Me: No, but I did insist the angels take my cats.

Jesus: And I appreciate that, although one of them keeps coming to me at about six o’clock in the morning with a mournful stare until I feed her.

Me: Tell me about it.

Jesus: The public library is a worthy institution, and by checking out library books so close to the Rapture, you denied others their rightful access to those books.

Me: Are you telling me someone’s soul could have been saved by reading Mr. Putter And Tabby Take The Train?

Jesus: Are you telling me someone’s soul couldn’t?

Me: And you seriously wanted me to approach one of my neighbors and say “Hey, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? No? Oh, good, because I’ll need you to return my library books on Monday before He consumes the world in a burning holocaust”? You have got to be kidding.

Jesus: Do I look like the kidding type?

Me: I seriously hope so.

Jesus: Yeah, I kind of am.

Me: I kind of am too, because like I said before (and I keep saying) I don’t think the Rapture is supported by the Bible, and I’m in good company on that. Matthew 24:36 says no one will know the day or the hour it all comes down, and therefore it always pays to act like decent people, be charitable to one another, and be ready to open the books to go over everything with God.

But not overdue library books. Not really.


  1. Normandie

    Loved that, Jane. I remember a woman telling me that she’d wave as she ascended. Really? You mean you have to accept the idea of the rapture in order to go? It’s not a Jesus-belief issue?

    1. philangelus

      I have issues with the way those passages are interpreted, and so do other major churches. Obviously God is able to do whatever He wants. But it seems to me that the Rapture craze is people looking for an easy way out, and if Jesus came here and didn’t take the easy way out, why should any of us believe we’re better than him? I know I’m not. If worthy people get raptured, I’ll be the one returning their library books.

  2. MysteryNurse

    I promise, if you are raptured, I will fly out (assuming there is still plane service?) and return your books for you. There, that’s taken care of. ;o)

    I agree with your point that it’s good to always be ready. Heck, even if the second coming doesn’t occur in our lifetime, you’re guaranteed to die someday, and that could happen anytime. So we need to be prepared for things to end one way or another…

    but not so much that we don’t enjoy life, and do some good in it, in the meantime. My mother grew up with the idea that Jesus was coming back soon and WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN A MOVIE THEATER WHEN IT HAPPENS? Because if you are, He might not take you with. That’s got to be hard for a kid.

    1. philangelus

      That’s what I failed to understand growing up, that all this focus on the upcoming cataclysm (which was going to happen every single year, according to our family friend) was detracting from the moment-to-moment love of the life we’d been given. I developed a very intricate view of God sitting up there with a fly-swatter, ready to smack me down. I think that’s very distorted.

      The idea that Jesus would send someone to Hell because the person was in a movie theater… How can that not send the message that Jesus is shallow and only thinks of what you’re doing right this second? “Sorry about that whole lifetime of service. But I came here and you were in a theater, so…well, bye.” :-b I’m sorry your mom grew up with that. 🙁

  3. Cricket

    A child, unable to go to the library, is going to go pet the cats in your house. He will see the book Mr. Putter And Tabby Take The Train on the couch and read it. It will give him hope. He will take it and read it to his younger siblings. The book will carry them through the tough times.

    1. philangelus

      Maybe a child who would have picked up the library’s copy Mr. Putter and Tabby Take The Train will instead pick up a copy of Mr. Putter and Tabby Bake The Cake and become interested in works of charity and the True Meaning Of Christmas, and enlighten the whole world.

      I’m not saying it *couldn’t* happen…

      1. Cricket

        He works in mysterious ways.

        Have you read Bujold-McMaster’s Curse of Chalion, and the sequels? Great exploration of what it really means to let God (or Gods) work through you.

        1. philangelus

          No, but my Patient Husband has. He recommended the first book.

  4. Monica

    Rapture pre-certified! You’ve covered all the bases.

    1. philangelus

      Did you look at their website? I was laughing about the angels and the database error thing. 🙂

      1. Monica

        I looked but didn’t read all the fine print. So unlike you, I may not be pre-certified!!

  5. Suzanne Lucas


    You’ve outdone yourself this time. Library fines will keep me out of heaven as well.

    1. philangelus

      !!! I got a comment from the Evil HR Lady!!!! #faints#

      1. Suzanne Lucas

        You’re so sweet. I read but rarely comment because, well, laziness and all. Plus, I need to find my library books.

        And, I will note that it’s way past 6:00 here on the 21st and we’re all still here. So, you’re safe!