I couldn’t resist.

It doesn’t matter, though, because she didn’t get it anyway.

Kiddo#4 needs a real bed, not a toddler bed. We took inventory in the attic, and we’ve got a bed frame and a box spring, but no mattress. Being an enterprising soul, I looked online for the address of a furniture store nearby where we had to go for a doctor appointment anyhow, and when I found it, the first review said something to the effect of “Every store in this chain is infested with bed bugs.”

Lovely, right? According to the reviewer, because this store offers to take away your old mattress when you get a new one, and because they don’t make any attempt to keep the old and new mattresses separate, their trucks and delivery guys are infested with bed bugs. So you buy a mattress and pay for one delivery, but you get two.

I got itchy just thinking about this, and that week, I failed to buy a mattress from anywhere because I couldn’t figure out how you buy a bed without the bugs, since in theory, any store is going to have that problem.

This Tuesday, I brilliantly had a flash of that brilliant insight for which I’ve become brilliantly famous, and for once, I don’t think the household guardian angels ducked for cover. BJ’s sells mattresses. They don’t deliver them; they don’t care if you still have one in your house. There’s no way for bed bugs to go upstream. Perfect!

And this week, I’m down two kids, so I could turn my vehicle into a mattress-hauling machine of doom!

Or rather, I thought I could. I asked online first if such a thing were possible, and other moms assured me they’d done the same.

So yesterday, I walked around BJ’s with a large flat cart, hauling a twin size mattress. And of course, Kiddo#3 wondered if the BJ’s bakery would give them free cookies (because that’s what you do when you buy a mattress half an hour before dinner) and at the bakery, I felt kind of like a cad to just get cookies and not buy anything, so I picked up a bag of bagels and tossed it onto the mattress.

We paid, and at the door we had to present our receipt to leave. The nice woman there is familiar, although I’m sure she wouldn’t recognize me, and she’s always been nice, and therefore she didn’t deserve what I did next. Although, as I said, she didn’t realize it.

Because as she looked at the receipt, with its two items, and then the mattress with its solitary bag of bagels, I said to her, “It’s a bed and breakfast.”

She punched a hole in the receipt and let us go through.

And because the universe doesn’t really believe in Karma, the mattress did fit inside the van.


  1. whiskers09092006

    You…you are my hero for that pun.

    1. philangelus

      Aww. I’ve been wondering if it was actually my guardian angel who came up with that, since it’s just so perfect. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Jen Nolan

    Best pun setup. Ever.

    1. philangelus

      Now I wish I’d done it deliberately. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Eliza

    How could she not laugh at that! Bed n breakfast lol

    1. philangelus

      I said it deadpan as I was taking back the receipt, and I don’t think she put it together. That’s got to be one of the world’s crummiest jobs anyhow, so maybe she was working on autopilot.

  4. cricketB


    1. philangelus

      Perfect puns only come along once in a lifetime.

  5. Jason Block

    Brilliant. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am crying here. Too funny.

    1. philangelus

      You want to know the worst part? The next day I went back to buy actual groceries, and she was there again, and her nametag gives her name as Jane. Two Janes, two different universes.

  6. Amy Deardon

    Too funny. I’m waiting for the book of all your family adventures.

    1. philangelus

      Not going to happen. No platform. ๐Ÿ™‚ And really, fiction is so much more fun.

      1. Pat

        So, use it in a book sometime!

  7. Pamcee

    HA! And you got nothing? Not even a tiny smile? Shame, cuz that was a GOOD one! ๐Ÿ˜€

    1. philangelus

      Right over her head. It’s the deadpan delivery that does me in. By the time they figure out I was joking, the moment’s gone. (Although every so often, I’m talking to someone and about five minutes later, they say, “Oh!” and then, a little confused, “You’re funny.” But they really mean, “You’re odd.”