Have Yourself A Legal Little Christmas

Divine Maternity Hold Harmless Agreement
By Jane Lebak

In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary.

The angel went to her and said, “This agreement is enacted on March 25th, 3BC, between the Virgin Mary, herinafter referred to as MARY, and the Lord God Almighty, hereinafter referred to as GOD. Whereas GOD plans to send His Son into the world to redeem humankind. Whereas MARY can provide nurturance and mothering to abovementioned Son.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be.

But the angel said to her, “This Heavenly Host Incorporated (“Heaven”) End User License Agreement (the “Agreement”) accompanies God’s salvation (“Salvation”) and related explanatory written materials (“Bible”). The term “Salvation” shall also include any graces, visions, descents of the Spirit, miracles, and manifestations of Salvation licensed to you by Heaven. Heaven grants to you exclusive license to–”

Mary said to the Angel, “I need to consult with my attorney.”

Ten minutes later, a man of Nazareth named Irving sat with Mary looking over the contract. They conducted a whispered conversation as he pointed out various paragraphs of the document the Angel had presented them. Irving said unto the Angel, “I want to amend the indemnification agreement to protect my client in the event of breech of contract by your party.”

The Angel replied, “You must agree to indemnify, defend and hold us harmless against any suits, claims or souls pierced by swords as a result of graces received under this Agreement.”

Irving said, “We insist your party indemnify and hold harmless my party against any insults by relatives, attempted assassination by the king, requests for an advancement of the miraculous timeline, as well as homelessness, betrayal, hunger and thirst, and crucifixion resulting from his incarnation in human form.”

Irving added, “Additionally,  the Son of GOD must agree to make provision for MARY in case He predeceases her.”

The Angel of the Lord then amended the agreement, saying, “This we can accommodate, for nothing is impossible with God.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered as she signed, then had Irving notarize her signature. “May it be to me as you have specified under the terms of the contract. This Agreement constitutes the entire understanding between the parties with respect to the subject matter hereof and may not be changed or modified except by a written agreement signed by the parties.”

And with that, the Angel left.