Heavenly sleaze

A scheduling oddity: as I’m doing drop-off for Kiddo4’s preschool, one of the radio stations does its “Celebrity Sleaze Minute.”

There is nothing I could possibly care about less than the “Celebrity Sleaze Minute.” I’m largely out of touch with who’s who in Hollywood or on the Top 40 (well beyond the point where most kids are mortally embarrassed by their parents). Worse, I’ve never settled whether listening to celebrity gossip is immoral. Spreading gossip about people I know would be immoral, of course, and listening to gossip about people I know borders on it, but people who intentionally make their lives the subject of gossip — well, it’s up for debate on the morality, but I don’t feel comfortable.

Because I’m pulling into the lot, I can’t turn it off until I’ve heard the first sentence or two. Things like, “And now for the Celebrity Sleaze Minute! Is Justin Bieber going to get a new haircut…?”

That’s the point where I turn off the radio and take over with the Heavenly Sleaze Minute. Because Heaven must have its own celebrities. And those Heavenly celebrities must do things.

“And now for the Celebrity Sleaze Minute! Did the Archangel Raphael really pray for a sick little girl in Potato Springs, Arkansas? There are unconfirmed rumors that Raphael was visiting the First Church Of Potato Springs to deliver a blessing when a little girl in the back row caught his attention! She’d been suffering unexplained headaches for years, and when Raphael saw her, unnamed sources say he placed his hands on her head and prayed until her headache went away. We asked him if it’s true he now prays for the girl every day, but he only said, ‘I think we should give the glory to God, don’t you?'”

Because the irony is that (although I may have been lucky so far) these Celebrity Sleaze Minutes never really get more scandalous than Justin Bieber deciding on a new hair style. I’ve seen sleazier things on the subway.

But I find myself  wondering why gossip focuses on the negative, and why the neutral stuff masquerades as salacious. Why don’t they gossip that that Justin Bieber volunteered at a children’s oncology ward, or that Yoko Ono donated five hundred warm jackets and backpacks to the homeless teens at Covenant House?

So until that day, I’ll keep substituting my own Celebrity Sleaze Minute, heaven-style.

“Are the rumours true that the Archangel Gabriel will get a new haircut? Sources close to the Archangel aren’t talking, but several saints claim they heard him observe to God that the Archangel Michael really looked good with his new haircut. Can a new ‘do’ for Gabriel be far behind?”

It’s probably harmless, but I like mine better.