You crocheted what?

Scene: The Judgment Seat of God

God: Let’s talk about the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Um…okay…

God: What did you crochet?

Me: Oh. Oh, no.

God: Well?

Me: You’re not going to hold that against me! The kids were pestering me! They thought it was funny!

God: And…?

Me: But…but…it’s just one thing!

God: Yes.

Me: Are you saying that one thing encapsulates my whole life?

God: Are you saying it doesn’t?

Me: Well, come to think about it, no, I can’t say that.

God: So what did you make on the morning of June 16th, 2014?

Me: A crocheted fake turd.


Maybe that’s during pre-trial, so that when you’re judged in public, you’ll be able to respond.

God: State for the tribunal the name of the person who taught you to crochet.

Me: My grandmother, {Firstname Lastname}

God: And state for the tribunal what kinds of things she crocheted.

Me: Lace. Lots and lots of lace.

God: And…?

Me: And…altar linens.

God: And state for the court what you were crocheting on the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Do I have to?


And then the Tribunal gets to make sure they heard you right.

God: Does the Tribunal have any questions for the accused?

Tribunal: What did you do with it?

Me: I gave it to the boys so they could leave it on random chairs in the house.


Of course, God is a merciful God, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

God: I have decided I will not punish you for the craft item you produced on the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Thank you!

God: I have decided that someone else will handle it.

Grandma: JANIE!!!!

Me: Um, yeah…thank you.


  1. Pat

    Aren’t you even going to tell us what yarn you used?

    1. philangelus

      KnitPicks worsted wool in Maple Syrup. I used the Lion Brand fun summer magnets pattern for the hot dog.

  2. hthrb

    oh please please post a pic!

  3. Maria Franzetti

    Very very funny. Thanks for the laugh

  4. Wyldkat

    I almost hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud.

    I second hthrb, pics, please.

    How do you get it to hold ‘form’? Is it stuffed or something?

    1. philangelus

      It’s stuffed with acrylic fiberfill (see — fiber! It’s good for, um… Hey, look at the time!)

  5. Loriendil

    Brilliant! Photo please?

    1. philangelus

      Ask and thou shalt receive.

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