You crocheted what?

Scene: The Judgment Seat of God

God: Let’s talk about the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Um…okay…

God: What did you crochet?

Me: Oh. Oh, no.

God: Well?

Me: You’re not going to hold that against me! The kids were pestering me! They thought it was funny!

God: And…?

Me: But…but…it’s just one thing!

God: Yes.

Me: Are you saying that one thing encapsulates my whole life?

God: Are you saying it doesn’t?

Me: Well, come to think about it, no, I can’t say that.

God: So what did you make on the morning of June 16th, 2014?

Me: A crocheted fake turd.

 

Maybe that’s during pre-trial, so that when you’re judged in public, you’ll be able to respond.

God: State for the tribunal the name of the person who taught you to crochet.

Me: My grandmother, {Firstname Lastname}

God: And state for the tribunal what kinds of things she crocheted.

Me: Lace. Lots and lots of lace.

God: And…?

Me: And…altar linens.

God: And state for the court what you were crocheting on the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Do I have to?

 

And then the Tribunal gets to make sure they heard you right.

God: Does the Tribunal have any questions for the accused?

Tribunal: What did you do with it?

Me: I gave it to the boys so they could leave it on random chairs in the house.

 

Of course, God is a merciful God, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

God: I have decided I will not punish you for the craft item you produced on the morning of June 16th, 2014.

Me: Thank you!

God: I have decided that someone else will handle it.

Grandma: JANIE!!!!

Me: Um, yeah…thank you.